Thursday, September 9, 2010


Hi Jen,

I do not support your getting married. If you want some advice you will RUN not walk away from that whole situation. On the other hand, you must be allowed to make your own mistakes. That is my dilemma. I have not booked my flight and I will NOT attend. I am doing what is best.

Love Dad

I wasn't sure I wanted him there anyhow after he kicked us out last month, and I already suspected that he was against me getting married (not necessarily to David, he's just anti-marriage in general). I definitely don't want anyone there who feels that way. It's not unexpected...but still hurts.

Dad is apparently fine with his daughters shacking up in long-term domestic partnerships. He doesn't want either of us to be lonely or unhappy. But he was financially screwed over and emotionally damaged by my mother in their divorce and has become completely against marriage. He has been passively against my sister or me getting married to anyone just on general principle. Last month when we visited he determined that he didn't like thechildren at all, so it seems he's now specifically against me marrying into this family.

He's a very quiet kind of person who believes in suffering silently and never talking about things, which is why this is the first I'm hearing about his disapproval. He started off very positive and supportive, and was even planning his flights. Now it's apparent that he was doing it out of duty and not wanting to hurt my feelings. Hearing that a copy of the invitation was in the mail led to discussion about his flights and involvement which led to the question of whether he wanted to be there at all. (I advised him to throw the invitation in the garbage without opening it when it arrives, as he won't like the wording. David really wanted my dad to feel included and respected and insisted that we go with a traditional "[Jenn's dad] requests the honour or your presence..." invitation. Kinda regretting that choice now.)

When he does finally break his silence, he does it like this. His two modes are "Suffer silently" and "Runaway Mack truck."

This is for the best. He was such a jerk to us when we visited him last month that I wasn't sure I even wanted him at the wedding, but I didn't want to burn bridges and tell him that he wasn't welcome. I mistakenly thought that being at his youngest daughter's wedding was important to him, so my plan was just to just keep the peace until after the wedding and then let things drift apart however they would. I'm feeling similarly to how I did when my mother died: I wasn't sad over her loss, I was sad over the life we should have had and the lost opportunity. My father as a person will not be missed at the wedding, but I'm still sad about the situation.


  1. Jeez Jenn, that bites. I'm sorry to hear things have gone so badly. I guess maybe your sister can come now, though?

  2. I hope so, but I'm not counting on it. They have horses and donkeys that need looking after, though, so it will depend on if Ian is home or on a rig.

  3. While it definitely doesn't make it hurt or suck any less I am sure, the fact that you know that you are mourning and did mourn (in the case of your mother) the loss of opportunity rather than the relationships themselves is an extremely healthy way of regarding the situations that most people never really completely understand. Now you are free to enjoy your wedding without worrying how he is really handling it so not all bad! :) I'm still sorry though because it is still crap that it has to be either or. :(